Bride and Prejudice

Technorati Tag(s): Movies, Review

Gurinder Chadha's Bride and Prejudice is, I'm sorry to say, full of shit.

The biggest highlight of the film is Aishwarya Rai, who can't act to save her life, and does look way too dull and sleepy in some scenes, but still manages to keep you glued to the screen when she is on it.

Other than that, everything about it is wrong.

Let's begin with the beginning: American Dude goes to India, says it feels like New York, then they park in front of three cows and American Dude asks, "Where the hell have you brought me?"

As if you didn't already know India is a pile of stinking gobar gas.

After that you get to see a rich family with many daughters. It might as well have been an American family. It sure doesn't give much of a shit about spending money on gala weddings. This family participates in garba just as well as Punjabi bhangra. That's not how the families are in India; not even rich ones. The Mother--call her Big Mac--is your typical fat Indian mother who only wants to send her girls away. The whole arranged marriage deal is a sham.

You have four daughters: one dances and plays the sitar and sings--call her Singer; the second finds love during the Singer's marriage (or at least it seems she's getting married; don't ask me if she is)--call her Smitten--which kickstarts the story like so many overdone Bollywood tales; the third is a Hip Cool Rad totally now girl who stays up all night texting boys and wears revealing clothes--call her Hip Cool; and the fourth (our Ash) reads, takes pride in her country, wants to stay home to look after her father, and generally be the kind of girl a supposedly all-Indian guy would die to marry.

Yeah.

Can you say cliche? Perhaps you can't because you haven't been spoon-fed these same details in over ten thousand movies over and over again.

The father is a jolly fellow who loves Ash and is her best buddy and so forth.

These people have no jobs.

American Dude and companion (Balraj--the guy smitten by the sister) come to the marriage for a hitherto unspecified (and unimportant, as it is revealed later: the Dude's here to build a hotel in a long chain of global hotels) reason. American Dude sees Ash, and in grand Bolly tradition notices how beautiful she looks.

And then they differ in opinion: Ash gives patriotic speeches that her India is full of golden ducks.

She says the American Dude does not even know what the real India looks like. She says it's not just five-star hotels on beaches and stuff.

Well then fucking show me the real India. Duh! That's my biggest gripe with this film.

If you've read my previous entries, you'll know: people take a shit on roads; and then sleep in the same spot. And this happens in the biggest metropolitan city of the nation.

If you want to see real India, you'd do well to watch films like Split Wide Open, or better: Born into Brothels. Beware, though; Born into Brothels might break your heart. I know how this place is, and the film still broke mine a little.

So Ash and American Dude go to a beach in Goa¹ which is nothing like a beach in Goa and Ash plays a guitar to signify how "modernized" India is. We can play the guitar! Look at us! We read books! We're not b-ass-ackwards!

Those patriotic speeches piss me off. Each time Ash opens her mouth to speak about how American Dude and all Americans are crap, delusioned, and lousy pigs who only got lucky and how Indians are pure, pure, pure pearls washed in milk and honey, I feel like asking her to shut up and just look straight at us instead. That'd be value for money, at least.

So Ash and American Dude are pissed off at each other. Like any classic romance. Inspired by Pride and Prejudice, y'know.

There's another American (or Londoner) Ash meets in Goa, and they seem to click right off. This guy--call him Bloke--says all the right things: he says the rich don't really get to see the real India², and howdy do.

Ash being smitten and all invites Bloke to her place for garba and stuff.

Bloke says he sure will. It's Ash, for cryin' out loud! How could any guy refuse?

So Ash and her sister (who did wear swimsuits, sure, we're so modern!) come back home, and Big Mac has called some Indian export from America to select a bride.

It seems Big Mac and family is one big pool for foreign wannabe grooms.

This guy--call him Smoochie³--is all Americanized, likes Hip-Hop, and stuff. He tries to woo our lady Ash, but she's put off by his weird eating habits.

And he also doesn't look like Tom Cruise's nephew or anything.

He says he's very rich, but she's not interested. Her friend is, and we later find out her friend marries Smoochie. Plot, baby!

Bloke comes to Ash's place, and they sing-n-dance and piss American Dude off even more.

Bloke leaves promising he'll email (how modern! We know how to use MSN Explorer!), and before that Balraj leaves promising sister he'll email too.

Both never do.

But Bloke emails the Hip Cool sister. He wants a fast lay, or something.

Ash's friend and Smoochie invite Ash and three others to their marriage, and everyone except Dad and the Singer sister go to America. But they make a stop in London along the way to see Balraj, who isn't home.

Meanwhile we're shown a couple of scenes where Hip Cool sis meets with Bloke in a ferry or some such place.

Meanwhile American Dude happens to be traveling on the same plane as the foursome to America.

And I'm tired of the bullshit story.

Here's the one liner for the rest: They go to America, Bloke's bad intentions are revealed, Ash sees American Dude in a new light, and they get married.

Did all that happen in a little over two hours? You bet.

Did I mention the Singer Sister does a snake dance reminiscent of Sridevi in Nagina?

Did I mention how utterly disappointed I was with this film?

It was a crossover success, it seems. That's natural--for an audience who knows nothing of Bollywoo'd song-n-dance staple, Bride and Prejudice would feel fresh and new. But for someone who's grown on this stuff, grown over it, off it, and ultimately jumped off the wagon, it's a retarded waste of time.

Oh, that girl from Gilmore Girl makes a cameo. So does some other grandlady. There's loads of song-n-dance; the kind that makes me retch.

They even managed to make Ash look pale and plain a few times. Completely unforgivable.

__________________
¹Big Mac comments, "Balraj will get to see her in a bikini!" See? We ain't b-ass-ackwards! We don't mind our daughters wearing bikinis!
²That phrase, "real India" is getting on my nerves.
³For no particular reason.^4
4And on a completely unrelated note: if you search for repeat telecast on yahoo, you get this blog as the first result.